He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
