i already hear my dad disowning me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you had me at cake vodka
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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