I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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