Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
