Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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