It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
