I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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