shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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