you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need a beard to bite.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
