not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
