The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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