You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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