Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
