I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
