Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
