your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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