i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
