She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
