guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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