somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
