I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
