You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize