My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need moral support for this bender
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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