I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
