Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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