my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
