Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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