i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
