I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
