I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
