I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You made out with two different species that night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
