The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
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Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Couch. On fire.
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