I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
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8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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