I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
