I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
