I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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