a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
