I need to stop coming to work sober
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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