WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So vagazzling was a success
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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