You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
