i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
