Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
