my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
