the condom got lost in my hair
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
