It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
