Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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