im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
