I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
