i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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