omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
