the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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