called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
