Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
