i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
