Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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